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How to Step Away from the Critic

How to Step Away from the Critic

Why step away from the critic?

What do you do when a critic shoots his stinging quill at you? How do you handle the criticism you know is intended to beat you into submission? How do you take it when the critic sets off rapid-fire darts filled with venom designed to destroy you?

One of the first things to do is to step away from the critic!   Here are five ways to do that.

Starting over: How to rebuild your finances after escaping a financially abusive relationship

Starting over: How to rebuild your finances after escaping a financially abusive relationship

When you think of domestic abuse, physical or verbal assault are probably the first things that come to mind. Unfortunately, financial abuse is often overlooked, even though it occurs in 99% of all domestic violence cases. The effects of financial abuse can last for years or even decades after victims escape abusive relationships.

The Biology of Attachment and Trauma

biology & trauma by Dr. Terry Levy.jpg

Biology of attachment and trauma

[Originally published on April 15, 2017 by Terry Levy, PhD, B.C.F.E. on LinkedIn]

The limbic system is the social and emotional part of the brain, governing attachment, nurturing instincts, learning, implicit memory (preverbal, unconscious), motivation, stress response, and the immune system. The circuits of the limbic brain are wired together almost entirely by attachment experiences, and are altered by stress and trauma. In other words, the neurons of the limbic regions are genetically programmed to connect with one another via early child–caregiver interactions. The primary structures of the limbic system are:

• Amygdala: Regulating emotion, learning, memory, interpreting facial expressions, and fear conditioning, it serves as an “alarm bell” activated by threatening and frightening experiences. It is programmed to respond to fear and potential threat. It is where implicit memory is created and stored, in utero and during the first 18 months of life.

• Hippocampus: This organizes explicit memory, in concert with the cerebral cortex, which allows us to remember facts and autobiographical events consciously. By around age 2, a child is learning language, has conscious awareness, and can remember him- or herself in a specific past event. The hippocampus is also vital to retrieving information encoded in the past; it can become impaired due to chronic stress, which can affect the ability to accurately remember.

• Hypothalamus: Interacting with the pituitary, it regulates the autonomic nervous system and neuroendocrine system by releasing hormones and neurotransmitters, such as oxytocin (the bonding chemical). It regulates primal drives and functions, including hunger, sexual arousal, blood pressure, heart rate, thirst, and the sleep–wake cycle.

• Middle prefrontal regions: Located at the intersection of the brain stem, limbic system, and cortex, they include the anterior cingulate, orbitofrontal cortex, cingulate gyrus, and the prefrontal cortex. These structures play a key role in modulating attention, self-regulation, awareness, and the integration of cognitive and emotional information.

• Thalamus: A major relay station to the cerebral cortex, it sends signals to the brain stem to stimulate the release of norepinephrine throughout the brain, resulting in alertness and arousal.

The brain and nervous system are composed of billions of neurons, which form connections with many other neurons to create a neural network. Neurons communicate with one another between gaps, or synapses, via electrical and chemical messages. Neurons that fire together become wired together. Over time, the brain circuits and networks that result from these firings lead to “wiring” of the brain. The social and emotional environment of the infant—early attachment experiences—are critical to the development of those neural networks. Changes in the wiring of brain circuits can occur at any time in life as a result of new and healing experiences (neuroplasticity).

The following is a list of the most significant neurochemicals that relate to attachment, mood, behavior, and stress:

• cortisol: Released by the adrenal glands during the stress response; increases heart rate and blood pressure and results in arousal and anxiety.

• dopamine: Associated with attention, motivation, bonding, and pleasure; drugs such as cocaine and methamphetamines trigger the release of dopamine; mobilizes the body for fight, flight, freeze response.

• serotonin: Affects mood, impulse control, and survival; plays a key role in depression, aggression, and anxiety; selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are popular antidepressants and increase serotonin flow.

• norepinephrine: Regulates arousal, alertness, attention, and motivation; makes senses more alert under stress.

epinephrine (adrenaline): Prepares us for danger or threat by focusing attention, sharpening senses, and increasing fear.

• neuropeptides: Endorphins buffer stress, reduce pain, and increase pleasure (e.g., runner’s high). Endorphins increase during parent–child connection.

• oxytocin: Promotes maternal behavior (nurturing, nursing) toward children. Loving touch increases oxytocin in the blood of caregivers.

• vasopressin: Also plays a role in bonding and attachment, as well as inhibiting fear and reducing stress hormones.

Stress alters and dysregulates biology

When the stress response is chronically triggered, such as during childhood maltreatment and compromised attachment, key biological systems become altered and dysregulated. Research on Psychoneuroimmunology (PNI), which focuses on the mind–body connection, has found that people who suffer trauma have higher rates of serious illnesses than the general population. The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study found that adults who experienced trauma and disrupted attachment as children—including physical and sexual abuse, and parental mental illness, substance abuse, and criminal behavior—had higher rates of cancer, heart disease, bronchitis, diabetes, stroke, and gastrointestinal disorders, than nontraumatized adults.

Similar outcomes have been found in other studies: women maltreated as children had a ninefold increase in heart disease; 60 percent of women treated for gastrointestinal illness had an abuse history; significantly higher rates of chronic pain, chronic fatigue syndrome, and fibromyalgia occurred when there was a history of trauma and PTSD diagnoses.

What Anxious and Angry Kids Need to Know About Their Brain

Anxious and Angry Kids  www.Relavate.org


WHAT ANXIOUS AND ANGRY KIDS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THEIR BRAIN

[This article was written by Nicole Schwarz and can be found in ImperfectFamilies.com]

“Settle down,” you say above the screaming.

It sounds more like a threat than a caring suggestion.

“I don’t know how!” your child jeers back.

You shake your head, sighing. How many times do you need to remind her to take a deep breath when she’s upset?

Obviously, something’s missing here.

BIG FEELINGS. BIG CONFUSION.

Big feelings like angerfrustration, jealousy, anxiety, sadness, and stress can be overwhelming to kids. Without warning, their body is flooded with physical sensations – racing heart, tense muscles, sweat, tingling fingers.

Plus, their thoughts can get pretty confusing, “I hate you, mom!” on the outside may conflict with, “Wait, what? I don’t hate my mom, why did I just say that?” on the inside.

When we step back, it’s easy to see why some kids feel so helpless when it comes to managing big feelings.

One way to empower your child (and to reassure them that they are totally normal), is to teach them about the brain.

INTRODUCING…THE BRAIN.

Here is a very simplified explanation of the brain and how it works. You can alter this script depending on the age and developmental stage of your child.

(Of course, there are people who actually study the brain, and they have much more detailed explanations of these principles if you’re interested.)

THE BRAIN HAS LOTS OF JOBS:

What to tell your kids: “Have you ever thought about all of the things your brain is in charge of? I mean, your brain is the control center for pretty much everything you think, feel, or do! That’s pretty amazing. Let’s list some things your brain controls.”

For you: Keep this in mind when thinking about discipline. Changing your response can change the entire conversation, simply because you’ve appealed to a different part of the brain.

THEIR BRAIN IS GROWING AND CHANGING:

What to tell your kids: “Scientists say that when you do something over and over you create new pathways in your brain. When you were a baby, you couldn’t do much, but now your brain has learned so many things. And, guess what? Your brain is going to keep growing and changing until you’re much older.”

For you: You have the opportunity to influence strong, healthy, positive connections in your child’s brain by responding from a calm, confident, empathetic stance. (Feel like it’s too late? Start now!)

“THINKING” PART:

What to tell your kids: “Remember when we talked about the brain having a lot of different jobs? One part of your brain is in charge of making good decisions, managing your big feelings, thinking things through, and being empathetic. One author calls this your ‘upstairs brain’ – like the upstairs of a house!”

For you: Sorry parents, this part is very slow to develop. I know you want your kids to have these skills right.now. but there’s no rushing this process. You can influence good pathways, though, remember?

“EMOTIONAL” PART:

What to tell your kids: “Ok, so there’s another part of the brain. That authorcalls it the ‘downstairs brain.’ This part is in charge of some really important things like breathing and digesting food, and it also holds a lot of your emotions! So, this is where your big angry or worried feelings come from!”

For you: This is the most primitive and reactive part of the brain. This is also the part that’s running the show during your child’s meltdown about having peas for dinner.

FLIGHT, FIGHT OR FREEZE:

What to tell your kids: “Inside this ‘downstairs brain’ is a tiny part who’s job is to react to threats! When it thinks you are in danger it will tell you to do one of three things – run away, fight back, or freeze. Let’s think of some times when these responses would be really helpful.”

For you: You have this part in your brain too, it’s called the amygdala! Power struggles are often the result of two amygdala’s going head-to-head (so to speak).

EMPOWERING YOUR KIDS.

Now that you’ve laid the foundation, you can use this information to teach and talk about their thoughts, feelings and behaviors in terms of their brain function.

SOMETIMES THE BRAIN IS WRONG:

What to tell your kids: “There are times when your brain thinks there’s a problem, and sends you the signals to ‘fight, flight or freeze’ but there’s really no reason to panic.

Like when you see a big black thing on the floor of your room. Your body might freeze – not wanting to get any closer. You might scream, ‘Mom! There’s a huge spider in here!’ But, when we get down on the floor, we realize it is actually a piece of black fuzz!”

For you: This is true for you as well! Sometimes, your brain will tell you that the situation in front of you requires IMMEDIATE ATTENTION (sibling rivalryaggressive behavior, etc.) Actually, in most cases, these things are not true emergencies.

BUILDING A BRIDGE:

What to tell your kids: “I know it’s scary when you have such big feelings. That ‘downstairs brain’ is really loud. It will say things like, ‘Math test! Panic!’ or ‘Your sister has the TV remote! Grab it!’ But remember, you still have the ‘upstairs brain!’ We’re going to work together to switch from the ‘downstairs brain’ to the ‘upstairs brain’ when you’re feeling big feelings. Can you help me think of some things that may help?”

For you: If you know your child is responding from the “downstairs brain” it’s time to switch tactics and get the “upstairs brain” on board. You can do this by responding with empathy, getting down to their level, and offering connection.

CALM BRAINS MAKE GOOD CHOICES:

What to tell your kids: “Since the ‘downstairs brain’ is not always right and tends to over-react in some situations, we need to make sure we use the ‘upstairs brain’ to make decisions. I know this is hard to remember when the ‘downstairs brain’ is in charge, but we are going to practice and I’ll help you through it.”

For you: Instead of focusing on getting your child to calm down, think more about how you can calm your own “upstairs brain.” You’ll be better able to support, connect and empathize with your child’s big feelings.

DOWNLOAD A COPY OF THIS SCRIPT!

PARENTING AND THE BRAIN

Now, you and your child have a shared language to use when talking about big feelings, big actions, or big worries.

But remember, this is not just about your child. There are a lot of things you can do to encourage strong, healthy, happy brain development…even if your child is too young, or not interested in learning about the brain:

How Relationships Make You Who You Are

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What makes you what you are?

In the past several decades, various people and institutions in the fields of biology, psychology, sociology, the science of the brain, and the like, have obtained greater insight into how we become who we are.  The current research has revealed that roughly fifty percent of who and what we are comes from the genes we inherit from both sides of our biological parents.  The other fifty percent of our composition comes from our experiences and relationships.

It began with your mother or primary caregiver.  You are who you are in large measure because of the relationships you have had up until now, and you will become what you will be because of your current and future relationships.  The connections and interactions you have with others will be highly influential in your ever-changing life, far more so than you doing anything “alone” for your personal self-development!

Two main reasons for this are that you are created for relationships and you are formed by relationships.

Here are three crucial things to know about relationships:

1. You are Created for Them

Yep, that’s right!  You and I are made for relationships.

Daniel J. Siegel in his fascinating book, Mindsight, puts it clearly,

We come into the world wired to make connections with one another, and the subsequent neural shaping of our brain, the very foundation of our sense of self, is built upon these intimate exchanges between the infant and her caregivers. In the early years this interpersonal regulation is essential for survival but throughout our lives, we continue to need such connections for a sense of vitality and well-being (Mindsight , Kindle location 383).

Daniel Goleman in The Brain and Emotional Intelligence reveals that “The social brain includes a multitude of circuitry, all designed to attune to and interact with another person’s brain” (Kindle location 639).

He goes on to explain how certain nerve cells found all over our brains, called “mirror neurons,” help us to “wirelessly connect” with other people. Goleman says these mirror neurons “activate in us exactly what we see in the other person: their emotions, their movements, and even their intentions” (Kindle location 650).

2. You Are Made By Them

You and I are literally formed by the relationships we have.

Daniel Goleman makes this case in his writings, particularly in Social Intelligence.  He demonstrates that “To a surprising extent, then, our relationships mold not just our experience but our biology” (Kindle location 79).

What is amazing is that relationships are an integral part of how your brain and body are fashioned. Every single relationship you have had so far has played a part in how you have been formed, even down to the nerve and cellular level!

Quoting Siegel again,

It wasn’t until years later that I would come upon the research demonstrating how crucial it is to our development to have at least some relationships that are attuned, in which we feel we are held within another person’s internal world, in their head and in their heart—relationships that help us thrive and give us resilience.  And only later still did I learn how the neural networks around the heart and throughout the body are intimately interwoven with the resonance circuits in the brain—so that when we 'feel felt' by another it also helps us to develop the internal strength of self-regulation, to become focused, thoughtful, and resourceful.  Being close to someone early in our lives gives us the clarity to know how we feel, and the ability to feel close to others.  Long before researchers began to unravel these neural mechanisms, poets and children like Rebecca knew that the heart is indeed a wise source of knowing (Mindsight; Kindle location 2999).

Goleman agrees, “But the exquisite social responsiveness of the brain demands that we realize that not just our own emotions but our very biology is being driven and molded, for better or for worse, by others—and in turn, that we take responsibility for how we affect the people in our lives” (Social Intelligence,Kindle location 5696).

This is why it is so crucial to have healthy, intimate relational interaction between a child and a loving parent in her first three years of life. Frequent nurturing and caring engagement between the primary caregiver(s) and the child significantly impacts the child’s biology, brain formation, intelligence quotient, the ability to form healthy bonds in relationships, the development of emotional maturity, social intelligence, and set the young one on a path toward an overall healthy lifestyle (all things positively considered).

So, what you are is in large part due to the relationships you have had thus far in life.

The final takeaway idea is:

3. You Are Nothing Without Them

The picture often used in science fiction movies of humans being manufactured from embryonic cells into fully functioning adults is quite mythical.  Aliens or mad scientists might be able to produce physical bodies, but without both experience and interactive relationships, the bodies would not have acquired the necessary cellular and neurological connections needed to make them truly human.  That is because experiences and relationships shape and weave the essential materials into what makes us human.

In other words, you and others have a symbiotic relationship.  You need others and others need you.  Without interaction with others, you would not be fully you!

 

Can You Relate?

Let me know what you think or if you have any questions. 

Dr. Don