Not everything a child does that parents, teachers, pastors, elders, family members, strangers consider bad behavior or sinfully rebellious behavior is deliberate, sinful rebellion. The knee-jerk response to judge, condemn and initiate control and punishment, which many parents do speaks volumes about them more than it does about the children.

It is unwise to immediately judge the child's behavior as willful defiance when it could be any number of other things going on. People around children, people with children need to get to know and understand the "misbehaved" child before assuming they are sinful little brats who need punishment.  

Dr. Bryan Post and Heather Forbes have much to say about the impact fear or love have on children. Based on their extensive research, and years of work with challenged children their insights and practical ways to parent are worth hearing. Love and fear, the two main emotions and their corresponding hormones have a profound effect on little ones. Their emotions run wild and while their executive functions and cognitive skills are not developed (and won't be fully developed until they are around 25-years-old). When people experience fear, the natural tendency is to freeze, fight, or flee. When children believe they are being threatened in some way, their natural response is fear. Most adults can cognitively assess the threat and learn to calm down. However, children have yet to learn and practice that kind of skill. Their emotions are extreme compared to most adults and that makes some things they encounter threats too large to handle.  

Depending on the makeup of the child, fear will manifest itself in various ways, such as anger, fighting, aggression, anxiety, the impulse to run away, running away, shutting down, and other such behaviors. When children have experienced trauma such as neglect or abuse of any kind (emotional, verbal, mental, or physical) they learn ways to handle that trauma in their lives. 

Some freeze, so they shut down and might go into a catatonic state. We see this when the child is unresponsive, avoidant, or withdrawn. Some flee, so they hide or run away to avoid more trauma. We see this when a child gets very restless, agitated, becomes hyperactive, has a need to do something physical (jump, run, bounce, etc.).

Some fight, so they act out in angry, defensive, and hostile ways. We see this when a child talks back, hits, bites, is aggressive or refuses to comply. The greater the trauma and the longer the trauma children experience the more embedded those fear responses will be. These fear responses of emotions, thinking, and actions are self-taught survival skills. Those fear responses become second nature and automatic.

Keep this in mind: The greater the trauma, the greater the drama.

The greater the trauma, the greater the drama.

Western traditional parenting often interprets these fear-based actions as disrespect, non-compliance, or rebellion. That's a very reactive, simplistic, and easy way to ignore the need to understand the child and respond accordingly. 

Keep this in mind: All behavior is a form of communication.

And also keep in mind: When they act don't you react.

When they act don’t you react!

All people need love and connection in order to self-soothe and begin to think reasonably about things. This is all the more true with children. It is unwise and harmful to react and then attack the child through scolding, yelling, slapping, hitting, spanking or other forms of punishment.  However, children interpret it this way: When you react, you attack.

Children interpret when you react, you attack!

It is wise and kinder to connect with the child first. Help them calm down. Help their fears to subside by responding with calm, warm, and caring words and actions (hugs are best). Once the child is calm, then you can explain how best to think and behave. When a child is loved and receives love, s/he is in a receptive place to learn the better skills of self-soothing, self-control, thinking rightly about things, and acting in appropriate, positive ways. So also, keep this in mind: Connect before you correct.

Connect before you correct.

Like so many things in life, sometimes it is best to throw out the old and bring in the new. For the sake of children, it is far better to treat them with mercy, grace, and love, understand them as they are, and teach them the critical skills of life through love far more than through fear.

Dr. Don

Need help or encouragement in this? Contact me today.