What can you do when your critic hurts you?

What can you do when your critic hurts you-2.png

What do you do when a critic shoots his stinging quills at you? What can you do when your critic hurts you? How do you handle the criticism you know is intended to beat you into submission? How do you take it when the critic sets off rapidfire darts filled with venom designed to destroy you?

One of the first things to do is to step away from the critic!  Here are five ways to do that:

1. When the barb first hits you, do and say nothing in response.

Learn to resist the impulse to react or respond right away. There are many reasons why critics shoot their poison. Some of those reasons include:

  • They want to control you through negativity.

  • They are trying to find a way to elevate themselves above you. Their own insecurity seeks to verify their worth by setting themselves up as the standard of measurement.

  • They are expressing their own anxieties and hurts. Remember, hurting people hurt others.

  • They live in a cloud of negativity or anger, so it only feels natural to them to be negative and critical.

  • They thrive on drama. A calm, peaceful, or positive environment is uncomfortable and perhaps even boring for them, therefore being critical stirs up drama.

  • They have learned to believe that the best way to motivate others to get things done is through criticism.

  • They have a mental illness.

You will need to arm yourself with the fact that there are multiple reasons why the critic is the way he is. The important thing to realize is that unless you are equipped to discover the root of the critic's problem and they are willing to have you sort through their own pile of stuff, it's really not worth your time or hassle to figure out what's behind their comments. Get into the practice of telling yourself,  The criticism says much more about the criticizer than it does about you.  Memorize something helpful that you can bring to mind and focus upon when the reproach is spewed upon you; something like

Accept criticism as a reflection of the critic's soul,

and not as the truth about you as whole!

Remaining calm, even if they've hit a sensitive spot in your heart, will help you take control away from him and help to clean off the barf later on. Remaining calm may even bring a level of peace to the situation thereby creating an atmosphere conducive to resolving the problem (if there really is one) at hand.

Present the aura of fortified resiliency. Sit or stand tall, lift up your chin, look the critic in the eye, put on a poker face (even with a hint of a smile), and do not respond. Be the oak resisting the storm. Be the brick house withstanding the wolf's blowhard puffs.  Then, the best thing to say if they demand that you respond is to simply say, "I'll think about what you just said."  Your response will come later.

2. If they are in a hostile tirade, step away.

Yes, physically step away! If you have not already learned how to be courageous then discover how. Read books or articles about it. Find a coach, talk with a counselor, or seek out a true friend who knows how to be tactful yet firm in the face of verbal attacks. Take classes that will elevate your confidence and train you to be bold. Come to understand and take hold of the value you have as a person. The critic might have more authority than you, but they hold no more value than you do. No boss, no peer, no parent, no person has the right to treat you like trash.

Hostile tirades are the diarrhea of a bully's soul. You are not a commode and therefore are not designed to receive such shipoopi. Just as you would not be willing to stand under someone's dump so you ought not be willing to stand under their verbal excrement. Critical tirades are abusive and therefore harmful.

Even if you might be boiling on the inside, you can be composed on the outside. You not only have the right but you also have a duty to yourself to remove yourself from the attack. Here are a few suggested ways:

  • Calmly and firmly tell the antagonist you will not tolerate the abuse, and then walk away.

  • With a stern and bold stance, with a voice loud enough for him to hear but not at a volume as to be yelling, tell the person his manner and criticism is unacceptable and when he is ready to talk in a mature manner with a helpful critique you will be willing to listen. Then walk away.

  • Oftentimes, if his behavior is habitual the best thing to do is turn around and leave. You might have to go to a place that is safe, generally around other people, especially if you are confident those people are your allies.

  • If the situation is rather threatening and removing yourself from it becomes most difficult then respond with a warning that you will immediately call security or the police or someone who has the authority to disarm the attacker. Or, simply call for help without warning the antagonist.

The point is- there are ways to take yourself out of the boxing ring. You ought to be aware that those who are in the habit of hurling verbal vomit will only continue to do so if you allow it. Such people need to be stopped. Oh, and by the way, do NOT make excuses for the person's negative, critical behavior.

3. When someone criticizes you, practice mental pause.

This means being intentional and deliberate about not taking the bait and getting lured into an argument but taking time out to think about what was said.  What are some things to think about?

  • Whether the source of the criticism is worthy of your time. If the person is chronically petty then their words, however caustic or strong or loud, are probably worth .000001 seconds of brain energy. If the verbal assault is coming from someone of considerable influence or importance then it's most likely that you should take at least one-fourth of a moment to think about whether there is any truth to the criticism.

  • Whether the criticism is true or false. If the criticism is valid and the sting of it rings true, then take the time to reflect on it for the purpose of making a healthy, positive change. In other words, translate the criticism into a meaningful critique. See it as an opportunity for personal growth.

  • Pause to think about how others have perceived and received criticism. Here are some illustrations or quotes to tuck into your mental belt:

    • "Someone's opinion of you does not have to become your reality." - Les Brown

    • "Growth always comes from taking action, and taking action almost always brings criticism." - John Maxwell

    • "Don't let critics set your agenda." - Rudolph Giuliani

    • "Criticism…carries the unspoken implication that we would have done much better than what has been done, without us ever having to demonstrate whether we could or not." - Tom Marshall

    • "No matter how personal the attack, your response should be aimed entirely toward advancing the goals of those you serve. Theodore Roosevelt recommended that a leader continues to 'fight his way forward' in the face of 'unfair and ungenerous criticism,' 'paying only so much regard…as is necessary to enable him to win in spite of them.'" - James M. Strock

Practicing mental pause also gives you the opportunity to respond well. Responding well means being emotionally mature, mentally sound, and personally prepared to give an appropriate rejoinder.  There is a big difference between being defensive and defending yourself. More on that subject at another time.

4. When hit with criticism, take time out to check out your buttons.

In this case, a button is something about which you are sensitive. It is a touchy area of your life.  Some people are naturally super sensitive, and may even be sensitive about their sensitivity! Others have the emotional sensitivity like the hide of a crocodile. What emotionally impacts you probably isn't something that affects me or anyone else. We are all different in this way.

How we develop those buttons depends upon our physiological makeup. We receive certain mental, emotional and social quotients and proclivities from our biological parents (some say about 40%).  How we developed those buttons also depend upon our positive and negative experiences, training, encounters, coming out of a variety of geographical and social environments, and the like. All of these things make us who we are.

There are different types of buttons, but let's name just three:

  • Guilt - something about which you are genuinely guilty. You have violated a norm, law, or some social value. In this case, find a way to resolve it.

  • Shame - a sense of humiliation, or a loss of respect and esteem. Often times we have learned from others to feel shame even though we may not (some say hardly ever) be guilty of anything wrong. If this is the case, then revise your perspective.

  • Fear - is anxiety or apprehension that often comes from a threatening experience; a sense you are being threatened. In this case reform your life. Learn how not to be as fearful and to be fearful in a healthy manner.

If you have such buttons that are easily pushed or have identified emotional triggers, something criticism can bring to light, then find healthy ways to address them, correct them, and perhaps remove them.

5. Step away from counterfeit capital and step toward what is valuable.

Take the criticism for what it is worth. As they say "consider the source." There are occasions when we give capital to the critic even when the critic brings little to no value to our own lives.  It's a curious thing we do as people when we desire someone's approval. In our own minds, we give a place value to them and their opinions.  A feisty little two-year-old we do not even know who makes some passing criticism about the shoes we are wearing will not have much capital.  In other words, her snarky comment is rather inconsequential.

However, if we put a premium on another person's view of us because we think he or she is highly valued (popular girl in school, a famous actor, the handsome athlete everyone adores, the big brother, special cousin, the boss, etc.), or because of what we think he or she can give to us (a better reputation, money, significance, and so forth) then what that person says through criticism will probably be emotionally painful.  We want their acceptance, accolades, appreciation, affection, and all other things that start with an 'a'. We assign an arbitrary price tag on their view of us. If in our minds, such-and-so is highly regarded or has high value for us but she rebuffs, rejects, or criticizes then we have an unfair trade:  our valuation is exchanged for dirt.

Yet, here is the irony:  if you or I do not give that other person that kind of emotional or social capital then they cannot effectively push those buttons. The more value you give them in your mind the more painful their rebuff or criticism will be.  Ultimately, when you have a sound and healthy perspective about yourself and life you will recognize that you have the power to place whatever value you desire on their opinions.

I am not advocating you treat them as non-entities. To do that is to bring yourself on their dirt-cheap level. Treat others as having value as persons, but do not give them the value that is undeserved or to be merely exchanged for what you want.

Find true value in what is truly valuable. Focus your life on that. Exchange the criticism for that which can help you improve, to make positive change, and to grow into someone who brings greater value to yourself and for the positive benefit of others.

.

When you encounter a critical person and become the target of their verbal arrows, one of the first things to do is to step away from that critic. That is if you can.  We've seen five ways to do that. Stepping away physically, mentally, emotionally and the like, is important; but it does not ultimately resolve the issues(s) at hand. I am not advocating a position of removing yourself from the critic hoping that he or she will just take her biting remarks and go away.  Critical people rarely ever do.  Stepping away from the critic is the first of several steps toward bringing about a healthy change to yourself, to the situation, and perhaps even to the relationship with the critic.

.

Was this helpful?  Sign up now to receive follow-up solutions in your inbox that will help you become better skilled at dealing with the critic and criticism?

Dr. Don

 

 

Developing Godly Communication Skills

Godly communication as a family

Developing Godly Communication Skills

Speaking like Jesus in truth and love

Developing godly communication skills

Developing Godly Communication Skills

Thinking God’s thoughts and living the Jesus-like way happens for those who are in Christ through grace and by faith. These characteristics are descriptions or imperatives from the Bible revealing what God desires for his people. However, while these qualities and virtues for communicating in a godly way are clear, we need to remind ourselves that we can only do these things with changed hearts, through God’s Word, and in the power of the Holy Spirit. We also need to understand that these are qualities of growth and maturity. Ultimately, we ought to live according to what God wants of our interpersonal relationships but most realize that the best will be done substantially and never without flaw this side of heaven.


What is Biblical communication? 

1.         Communication done in truth and love.

2.         Suitable – must have sufficient information in order to communicate, function, and relate properly.

3.         Verbal and non-verbal communication that reflects life in Jesus Christ. 

  

Godly communication is truthful and loving

loving communication

A.  How do you learn to speak truthfully?

1.    Saturate your life with Truth

a.   Come to know Christ who is the Truth through His Word, the Bible.

b.   Walk before the face of God in truth 

 1 Kings 2:4

2 Kings 20:3

Prov. 12:22 -Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD, But those who deal truthfully

are His delight.

2.  Listen, learn, and live the truth

               Ephesians 4:11-15 –

2 Cor. 12:6 -

Ephesians 4:25 -

Ephesians 6:14 -

3.  Be filled with the Holy Spirit of Truth.

One of the fruits of God is truth (Eph. 5:9).          

 

B.  How or in what ways should you communicate truth and do so truthfully?

1.         Teach others the Truth.

(Deut. 6:4-9; Col. 3:16; Heb. 5:11-14; 1 Tim. 2:7)

A. Wetherall Johnson says that the real aim of all teaching is “to make God Himself and what He says in the Bible so real that those who listen will do something about it.” Teaching is imparting biblical knowledge that will ultimately affect attitudes and behavior.

2.    Build up one another in Truth.

(Acts 20:32; Rom. 14:19; 15:2; 1 Cor. 14:26; Eph. 4:12-13; 1 Thess. 5:11)

This means that you are involved in promoting the spiritual growth and development of godly character of others in your family and the church. 

3.  Admonish one another with Truth.

(Rom. 15:14; 1 Cor. 10:11; Eph. 6:4; Col. 1:28; 3:16; 1 Thess. 5:12, 14; 2 Thess. 3:15; Titus 3:10)

To admonish means to “train by your word” through encouragement, reproof, or protest.

a.   Truth is helpful and at times hurtful. Yet truth has the ability to heal spiritually, emotionally, and to heal relationships (Pro. 25:11; Eccles. 12:11; Isa. 50:4; Eph. 4:29).

 b.   You are called upon to be firm, but diplomatic even when correcting opponents (Gal. 6:1; 2 Tim. 2:23-25).

4.  Exhort and encourage one another by truth.

(Heb. 3:13; 10:24-25; 1 Thess. 4:18; 5:11)

a.   Exhorting and encouraging one another means to urge and bolster others in their Christian walk by giving aid and comfort. The first way is through God’s truth.

b.   You are to exhort by strengthening, counseling, and by being a true friend in doing whatever is necessary to promote their good welfare.

5.         Bless others by speaking the truth.

Speaking truthfully and wisely has the ability to bring healing and refreshment to others (Pro. 3:3, 7; 8:7; 16:24; 30:8; Eph. 4:25ff).

 

C.  In what manner should you speak to others?

Our speech reveals our heart. While the way we communicate is mixed with good or bad, at times, the choice of language and vocabulary can reveal either a biblical viewpoint or a sinful one (Eph. 4:25 cp 4:15).

1.  Speak graciously –be frank but diplomatic, but not insulting, demeaning or inconsiderate or harsh

Col 4:6 - Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one  (Eccles. 10:11).

a. Your speech should serve grace to others and be helpful for the moment (Pro. 10:32; 15:23; Eph. 4:29).

b. Your speech should be gracious, so that it can be readily received and preserved (Pro. 15:26; Eccles. 10:12; Col. 4:6).

c.   Even when you are required to speak firmly, be tactful when correcting opponents (Gal. 6:1; 2 Tim. 2:23-25).

2.   Use wholesome language (Ti 2:8; 1:9; 2:2; 1 Tim. 6:3)

This means that your speech lacks evil  (Psa. 120:2).

3.  Speak boldly.

Speak appropriately and with straight-forwardness (Matt. 5:37). Truth can be offensive, but that should never keep you from speaking it. You are to speak the truth, and not be so concerned with how the recipient will respond. Often s/he will respond by taking offense, but that is not your concern. Speak boldly the truth and leave the consequences to God.

4.   Speak carefully 

(Examples: Pro. 5:2; 10:32; 15:23; and 18:1-8).

5.   In sum, speak the truth with love – gently but firmly, with the intention of helping and building up (Pro. 15:4; 1 Cor. 13; Gal. 6:1; Eph. 4:15; and 5:9).


a-young-couple-arguing.jpg

Sinful or abusive talk

How not to communicate.

Self-Check: Not Speaking the Truth in Love

(Sinful attitudes and behaviors I need to put off)

 

Circle the bullet points next to the descriptions that are true for you most of the time.

  •  I am consistently slow or unwilling to listen; I have a habit of interrupting (Prov. 18:13; James 1:19).        

  • I do not listen to others well and then react or draw improper conclusions (Pro. 25: 8; 18:17; 27:2; 18:13; Job 13:5).

  • I refuse to try to understand the other person’s opinions (Jas. 1:19 cp. Pro. 18:2, 13, 15; Phil. 3:15,16).

  • I am quick to speak and slow to listen (Psa. 106:33; Prov. 15:23, 28:29:20; Jas. 1:19).

  •  I talk too much (Job 11:2; 16:3; Eccles. 5:3; 6:11; 10:14). 

  • My words are rash (Pro. 12:18; 29:20).

  •  I flatter to manipulate people (Psa. 12:3).

  • I lie in order to manipulate things in my favor (Ex. 23:1,7; Psa. 34:13; 58:3; 109:2; Pro. 6:16-19; 12:19; 14:5, 25; 26:24; 28:24; Hos. 4:2; Mk. 7:21-22). Note: liars hate those to whom they tell lies (Pro. 26:28).

  • I am generally or often argumentative, quarrelsome or contentious (Prov. 15:18; 17:14; 20:3; Rom. 13:13; Eph. 4:31; 1 Tim. 3:3; 2 Tim. 2:24).

    •  Argumentative means to bicker, dispute, squabble, wrangle 

    • Contentious means to compete, to engage in controversy, to be adversarial (Pro. 18:6; 21:19, 22:16; 25:24; Jer. 15:10; 1 Cor. 11:16; Gal. 5:19-20).

  • I nag (Pro. 10:19; 16:21, 23; 17:9; 18:6,7; 21:19; 27:15).

  • I brag (Psa. 94:4; Jer. 48:29,20).

  •  I respond verbally to others with uncontrolled anger ((Pro. 14:29; 15:1; 25:15; 29:11; Eph. 4:26, 31).

  • I attack those who criticize or blame me (Psa. 10:7; 64:3; Jer. 18:18; Rom. 12:17, 21; 1 Pet. 2:23; 3:9).

  • Call other people names, mock or make fun of them (Pro. 12:18; 16:24; Matt. 7:12; Eph. 4:29,30; Col. 4:6).

  • My words are biting; they reveal my anger and bitterness (Psa. 10:7; 64:2ff).

  • I use language or tone of speech that provokes children to anger (Eph. 6:4) or exasperates them (Col. 3:20).

  • ‘Grumble and complain’ could be my middle name (Phil. 2:14; Jas 5:9).

  •  I use words that discourage (Pro. 18:1; Psa. 10:7; Ps. 64:2ff cp. Heb. 3:13; 10:24-25).

  • What comes from my mouth is often cursing instead of blessing (Psa.10:7; 64:2-4; 109:17).

  •  I use rotten talk. This is speech that tears down, is non-beneficial, or presumptive (Eph. 4:29; 2 Tim. 2:26; Jas. 4:11-12).

  •  I murder with my mouth (Pro. 11:9; 18:20,21; Matt. 5:21, 22; Jas. 4:11; 5:9).

o   By cutting others with gossip. Gossip means to reveal or discuss personal facts about another person for no legitimate purposes; it often betrays a confidence. It is used to diminish a person’s reputation in the eyes of another (Prov. 11:13; 16:28; 20:!9; 26:20; 2 Cor.12:20; 1 Tim. 5:13).

o   By slander –speaking false or malicious words about another, also used to diminish a person’s reputation in  the eyes of another (Lev. 19:16; Psa. 15:3; Pro. 10:18; 50:20;  2 Tim. 3:3; Ti 2:3; 3:2; Jude 1:10)   .

o   By destroying with words rather than building up (Ex. 20:16; Pro. 11:19;  12:18; Jas. 3:5-6 cp. Acts 20:32; Rom. 14:19; 15:2; 1 Cor. 14:26; Eph.6:18-19; 1 Tim. 2:1-4).

o   I cut others down behind their backs (Psa. 15:2,3).

  •  With words that speak down or cut down another (Jas. 4:11). I condemn instead of commend ((Phil. 1:3; 1 Thess. 1:2; 2 Thess. 1:3).

  •  I speak harshly (Pro. 15:1; 1 Sam. 25:10-11).

  •  I scold (Mark 14:3-5; Pro. 15:1; Col. 4:6; Matt. 16:22, 23; 18:15; I Cor. 16:14).

  •  I make rash judgments. That is condemning another without proper investigation  (2 Sam. 16:4; 19:24ff; Matt. 7:1-3; John 9:12ff; 1 Cor. 4:5).

  • Tell stories (tale bearing) that are injurious to another (Prov. 11:13; 17:9; 18:8; 20:19; 26:20).

  • I am a false witness against others (Ex. 23:1; Deut. 5:20; Pro. 21:28).

  • When I speak the truth it is often to harm another person. 

Am I verbally abusive?

When the preponderance of the above qualities is evident and my overall demeanor and the overall tone of my life is sinfully negative and oppressive because of my words, then I would be considered verbally abusive.

Note that abusive spouses or parents are characterized by harsh and offensive communication styles in the home where he or she can keep such unloving and cruel attitudes and behaviors a secret from others outside the home.


loving family talking

Speaking the Truth in Love 

(Christ-like qualities to put on – Eph. 4:21-32)

 

  • I have a love of God’s truth rather than such things as position, fame, abilities, possessions, etc., which are soon to pass away. (1 Thess. 5:21; Heb. 3:6; 4:14; 10:23; Rev. 3:3).

  •  My speech is often used to praise God (Psa. 66:17; 71:24; 119:172; Phil. 2:11; etc.).

  •  I desire to please God in my speech (1 Cor. 10:31; 2 Cor. 5:9).

  • Words have power of death and life, so I am careful with how I talk (Pro. 18:1).

  • I recognize that I must not be careless in the use of my words, since I will give an account of them in the Day of Judgment (Matt. 12:36).

  •  I struggle and work to guard my mouth (Psa. 39:1; 141:3) so as to avoid all kinds of problems (Pro. 21:23).

  •  I am careful to use the right words at the right time (Pro. 10:19).

  • I think before I talk (Pro. 15:28).

  •  I am slow to speak and quick to listen (Pro. 15:23, 28; 29:20; 18:13; Jas. 1:19).

  • Wise speech brings healing. Often what I say brings healing and refreshment to others (Pro. 8:7).

  • I work to grow in my life that I might be wise, so that my words are words of wisdom (Psa. 35:28; 37:30).

  • I speak truthfully (Psa. 34:13; Pro. 8:7; Eph. 4:25).

  • I speak the truth with love – gently but firmly, with the intention of helping  (Pro. 15:4; 1 Cor. 13; Gal. 6:1; Eph. 4:15; 5:9).

  • My speech is often without bitterness, anger, wrath, yelling, slander or malice (Psa. 10:7; 64:2-4; Eph. 4:29-32).

  • When I speak, it is often gracious, courteous, helpful, tender, sympathetic, forgiving (Eph. 4:29-32).

  •   My speech serves grace to others and is helpful for the moment (Eph. 4:29).

  •  My speech is gracious, so that it can be readily received and preserved (Col. 4:6).

  •   I speak appropriately and with straight-forwardness (Matt. 5:37).

  •  I exhort (entreat and encourage in the truth) and encourage others (Heb. 3:13; 10:24-25; 1 Thess. 4:18; 5:11).

  • I teach others (Deut. 6:4-9; Col. 3:16; Heb. 5:11-14).

  • I admonish and do so with kindness (Rom. 15:14; 1 Cor. 10:11;  Eph. 6:4; Col. 1:28; 3:16; 1 Thess. 5:12, 14; 2 Thess. 3:15; Titus 3:10).

  •  My communication builds up others (Acts 20:32; Rom. 14:19; 15:2; 1 Cor. 14:26; Eph. 4:12-13; 1 Thess. 5:11).

  •  My words are sometimes firm but they are diplomatic even when correcting those who oppose me (Gal. 6:1; 2 Tim. 2:23-25).

  •  I often pray that God would deliver me from an evil tongue (Psa. 120:2).

How to Communicate With Your Brother or Sister-in-Law (when there is conflict)

How to Communicate With Your Brother or Sister-in-Law (when there is conflict)

How to communicate with your brother or sister-in-law when the relationship is conflicted is the subject for this video lesson. This post is the outline of the notes for the session. Dr. Don made this presentation to Titus 2 Community and Explicitly Christian Marriage, both are Christian marriage support groups.

7 Excellent Listening Skills for Successful Communication

7 Excellent Listening Skills for Successful Communication www.Relavate.org

7 Excellent Listening Skills for Successful Communication www.Relavate.org

How healthy is your communication in your marriage? How well do you listen? Taking wisdom from the Bible and the latest research in interpersonal communication, learn how to apply 7 excellent listening skills for healthy and successful relationships. 

7 Excellent Listening Skills for Successful Communication was a live presentation for Titus 2 Community's Christian Marriage Support Group. In this lesson, you rate yourself on how well you listen.  See the picture below:

Listening-quiz www.Relavate.org.jpg

 

Follow along with these notes:

One of the things often at the center of much conflict is poor communication between people.  It could be due to sloppy talk, genuine misunderstanding, or poor listening skills.

As you watch this video and go through these seven skills, take a self-exam.  Score each one with

5 Always                    4 Frequently              3  Sometimes            2 Infrequently           1 Never

 

1. I desire to please God in my communication with my spouse. 

(1 Cor. 10:31)

 

2. I am concerned about my spouse enough to be interested in what s/he says

  (Phil. 2:3; Eph. 4:2; Rom. 12:15)  

a.   Show interest in what is important to your partner.

b.   Listen across time (remembering what they have said in previous conversations).

c.    Make it easy for the other person to talk.

Use tracking: behaviors that help others keep on track (nodding head,  keeping good eye contact, don’t interrupt, leaning forward, using prompting phrases such as “go ahead” or “and then”, etc.)

3. I am a ready and disciplined listener. 

James 1:19 - So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.

a.   What this means:

      (1) Most or all the time I stop what I’m doing and pay attention to my spouse.

      (2) I concentrate on what s/he says.

      (3) I attend to what my spouse is feeling.

      (4) I put away things that can distract me from listening.

b.   What is the opposite? 

(1) I am consistently slow or unwilling to listen.

(2) My mind tunes out what s/he is talking about.

(3) I allow distractions to interfere with our talk (phone, computer, TV, book, games)

            c.    What to do:

(1) Put away distractions.  

Be intentional about putting away things that can rob your conversation of the level of value it deserves.

(2)  Look at the speaker – their eyes and lips.

(3) Don’t rush the conversation or talk too much.

(4) Allow for silence.  It's fine and normal to pause and have moments of quiet.

(5) Concentrate.  If you have a hard time doing that, then learn.        

4.  I think before I speak.

Prov.15:28 - The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer but the mouth of  the wicked pours out evil things.

Prov. 29:20 - Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.

            a.  What this means

(1) Consider what is being said and accept it at face value.

(2) I grasp what my spouse is saying and then formulate a response in my mind.

(3) I think of the repercussions for what I am going to say before saying it.

Saying the right thing at the wrong time can sabotage the discussion.

Saying the wrong thing at the right time can hurt your spouse or the relationship.

Ex:  during a home Bible study, a scientist, sitting next to his wife, said he did not believe in beauty.            

            b.  Doing the opposite:

(1) Thinking more about what I want to say than about the topic on hand. Most people are formulating what they want to say without considering what the other person said.                                              

(2) Speaking without giving your response much thought.      

                                    This can be hard for people who think out loud.

(3) Automatically assume things and interpret what is being said.

            c.   What to do:

(1)  Get in the habit of doing this:  H.E.A.R. before you speak

                                    H – Is it helpful?

                                    E – Is it educational/informative?

                                    A – Is it appropriate?

                                    R – Is it relevant?

                        (2) If something is unclear, ask good questions.

5.  I wait until the other person has finished talking before answering.                  

Prov. 18:13 – If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.

Prov. 18:17 - The one who states his case first seems right until the other comes and examines him.

a. What this means:

(1) Being aware of the cues for when your spouse has finished the statement.

(2) I show respect for my spouse even if I don’t value something s/he said. 

(3) Exercise patience to be considerate. 

b.  Doing the opposite:

(1) I talk too much  (Job 11:2; 16:3; Eccles. 5:3; 6:11; 10:14).

(2) I jump ahead to answer or finish the sentence.

(3) Cut off your spouse when s/he is not finished.

(4) Walk away before the conversation is over. 

c.   What to do

(1)  Don’t interrupt.  

(a) Doing this means you are more concerned about making your point than hearing what your partner has to say.

(b) It’s rude and shows a lack of respect.

(c) It is a way to shut down your spouse or the conversation.

d. Know when to be silent and when to speak.

(1) A good dialog is like a dance.

A simple exercise is to use a soft, light-weight ball.  When you are done talking, give the ball to your partner.  In other words, whoever has the ball speaks.

e.  If you are unclear about whether your spouse is finished, ask. Or use the ball.

6. I try to understand the other person’s viewpoint.

Prov. 18:2 - A fool takes no pleasure in understanding but only in expressing his opinion.

Proverbs 18:15 - An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.

a. What this means

(1) I make it a priority to study and know my spouse

(2) I make allowances for differences.

No two people think exactly alike.  If you and your spouse were alike, then one of you would be redundant.

Research has demonstrated that men’s brains and women’s brains are different.                 

            b.  Doing the opposite

(1) I react or draw improper conclusions when my partner is talking.

Ex: Job’s friends were so bad at understanding Job and what he was going through that he finally said, “Oh that you would keep silent, and it would be your wisdom!”  See Job 13:5.

(2) I am lazy and do not work at understanding my spouse or her/his opinions.

For example, in 1 Peter, God calls on Christian men to live with their wives in an understanding way.

c. What to do to understand the other person’s perspective:  G.R.A.S.P. what they are saying.                                    

G - Give grace to your husband or wife. 

R -Repeat back what you hear them say.

A – Ask genuine questions to clarify what was said.

S – Sympathize

Validate their emotion.  This does not mean you agree with what is said or how s/he feels but that you acknowledge how they are feeling.  This is a good step toward empathy and a great way to make your partner feel felt.

“I hear frustration. Am I reading you right?”       

“Your tone comes across as angry.  Are you?”

P – Paraphrase the response to make sure you heard right. 

7.  In important discussions, I stay on topic and answer appropriately.

Proverbs 15:23 - To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is!

 

How did you score?

7 = You need help.

21 = Not bad, but you need to work on some things.

35 = Fantastic! You’re a great listener!

Learn more on how to improve your listening skills by going to this post here or you can find out 21 additional ways to communicate effectively by clicking here.

Let me know in the comments box if you have any questions or questions.  Would you like to improve your listening skills?  Contact me to see how we can work together to improve your listening skills and elevate your relationships. 

How to be a parent your child wants to talk with

how to talk with your child 2.jpg

How can you be a parent your child wants to talk with?

[This article was written by Dr. Erin Leonard and can be found here.]

As a child therapist, the most common complaint I hear from parents is, “He just won’t talk to me.” Feeling estranged from your own child is painful, and it has implications for the child. Research indicates the most important predictor of a child’s emotional and psychological stability is the closeness of the parent/child relationship. Obviously, if the child is not opening up when they are upset, the relationship is not as close as it needs to be.

There are two habits that parents routinely engage in that shut down communication and drive a child away: negating feelings and mistaking sympathy for empathy.

Sympathy vs. empathy

When a child is truly in distress because they feel hurt, disappointed, worried, or angry, they desperately need their parent. Yet, often, parents don’t want to see their child feeling negatively, so their first instinct is to tell their child not to feel the way they do. Before they think, statements such as “don’t be disappointed” or “don’t be mad” escape. This results in the child feeling ashamed of how they feel, compounding the hurt. Moreover, the knowledge that their parent does not understand leaves them feeling alone, which is detrimental. Basically, the child learns that opening up about how they feel makes them feel worse.

Statements to avoid:

  • Don’t worry.
  • Don’t feel that way.
  • Don’t be disappointed.
  • Don’t be like that.
  • Don’t be mad. 
  • You are too sensitive.

A better idea is to empathize. Honor their feelings. Feelings are never wrong; it’s what kids do with feelings that can get them in trouble.  Examples of empathy include:

  • That’s a big worry. I get it.
  • You are upset. I would be too.
  • You have every right to feel disappointed. I felt like that when I was your age.
  • You are mad. I understand. You have every right.
  • It hurts to see someone do something you want to be able to do, but can’t yet.
  • You are mad. I’m sure you have a good reason. I want to hear about it.

After you give them a solid dose of empathy, the child feels understood and connected to you, which means they immediately feel better and will want your help in problem solving. In many cases, the empathy is all they need to feel better. Simply knowing their parent understands allows them to feel secure and forge ahead.

In addition, just because you empathize with how your child feels does not automatically mean you are condoning bad behavior. For example, my son came in the door angry last week. He slammed the door and threw his coat down. I said, “You are mad. I don’t know why, but you probably have a very good reason, and I want to hear about it, but you can’t throw your coat. Go pick it up.” After he picked up his jacket, he immediately came to me and told me he was upset about a conflict he got into with a friend.

Empathy wins

Here’s how it works: Empathy creates good vagal tone in a child’s brain and immediately calms them. After receiving empathy, they settle down and can logically think through problems with you. They also feel understood and close to you which allows them to forge ahead with a sense of security.

No parent wants a child who feels sorry for themselves, plays the victim, or is overly dramatic, and maybe that is the fear that prevents a parent from being empathic. However, honoring their child’s feelings is actually what prevents a sense of entitlement or a victim mentality in a child. Sympathy, on the other hand, disrupts any chance of emotional attunement and tempts parents to enable. The parent saves and rescues their child from negative feelings instead of helping them work through difficult feelings.

For example, on the way home from hockey practice one night my eight-year-old son, Jimmy, said to me, “Mom, I was the worst one tonight. I’m the worst one every night. I barely got put in.”

Now, I have two choices, the sympathetic response or the empathic response.

1. The sympathetic response:“Poor guy, Im going to call your coach and talk to him. I don’t think it’s fair that he benches you for most of the practice.”

2. The empathic response:“That hurts, kiddo. It hurts to feel like you’re the worst one. I get it. I’ve felt like that a lot in my life. It stinks. Keep at it. It will get better.”

In essence, the sympathetic response tempts us to enable and ask that the rules be changed or concessions be made for our child, which teaches them to play the victim. Also, it requires no emotional investment on the parent’s part because the parent becomes the powerful saver and rescuer, which strokes the parent’s ego. It is the easy way out.

The empathic response requires the parent shift from how they feel to how the child feels. It’s emotional attunement. It’s the parent remembering how it feels to be the worst one at something, so they can relate to their child. It’s selfless and it puts the child first, emotionally. When there is emotional attunement, the child feels understood and connected to you, which allows them to feel secure and more able to forge ahead and try again. Empathy creates a rugged work ethic and resilience in a child. The child will thrive on adversity instead of breaking down when negative things happen. Empathy creates brave and strong human beings.

Stay close to your child. Empathize and empower. The reward will be priceless.


The Marriage Minute is a new email newsletter from The Gottman Institute that will improve your marriage in 60 seconds or less. Over 40 years of research with thousands of couples has proven a simple fact: small things often can create big changes over time. Got a minute? Sign up below.

More in Parenting & Emotion Coaching

Parent.com is a digital publication for people who are as curious about the world as they are committed to raising great kids. Our mission is to inspire parents and help them succeed by sharing useful, hilarious, and compelling stories every day.

How you talk with your child changes their brain

how to talk with child.jpg

How do you talk with your child? Did you know how you talk changes their brain?

[This article was written by Sophie Hardach and can be found here.]

Most parents know that talking to their child helps them develop. But a new study has revealed that it’s how you talk to your child that really matters for their brain growth. Rather than just spewing complex words at them, or showing flashcards in the hope of enriching their vocabulary, the key is to engage them in “conversational turns” – in other words, a good old chat.

In a study of children between the ages of 4 and 6, cognitive scientists at MIT found that such back-and-forth conversation changes the child’s brain. Specifically, it can boost the child’s brain development and language skills, as measured both by a range of tests and MRI brain scans. This was the case regardless of parental income or education.

“The important thing is not just to talk to your child, but to talk with your child. It’s not just about dumping language into your child’s brain, but to actually carry on a conversation with them,” said Rachel Romeo, a graduate student at Harvard and MIT and the lead author of the paper.

The finding adds an important twist to what we know about language and development. In 1995, a seminal studyestablished that children from the wealthiest families hear about 30 million more words by age three than children from the poorest families. The authors of that study argued that the “30-million-word gap” set the children off on fundamentally different developmental trajectories that affected their experiences later on.

Today, there are countless educational apps and toys devoted to filling that word gap and expanding children’s vocabulary from day one. However, trying to inundate children with millions of words may be missing a crucial factor in development: human relationships, and social interaction. 

In fact, the MIT study suggests that parents should perhaps talk less, and listen more.

"The number of adult words didn’t seem to matter at all for the brain function. What mattered was the number of conversational turns," Romeo said. 

Beyond the 30 Million Word Gap

The children in the study wore recorders at home that registered each word they spoke or heard. Scientists then analyzed these recordings for “conversational turns”, or back-and-forth exchanges between an adult and the child. They found that the number of conversational turns correlated strongly with the children’s scores in a range of language tests. It also correlated with more activity in the area of Broca’s area, the area of the brain involved in speech production and language processing, when the children listened to stories while their brains were being scanned. These correlations were much stronger than between the number of words heard, and test scores or brain activity.

“The really novel thing about our paper is that it provides the first evidence that family conversation at home is associated with brain development in children. It’s almost magical how parental conversation appears to influence the biological growth of the brain,” says John Gabrieli, a professor of brain and cognitive sciences at MIT and the senior author of the study.

The study noted that while children from wealthier families were exposed to more language on average, children from poor but chatty families had language skills and brain activity similar to those wealthier children. This was an important finding that prompted researchers to encourage parents from all backgrounds to engage with their children - including interactive chatting with babies, for example by making sounds back and forth or copying faces.

“One of the things we’re excited about is that it feels like a relatively actionable thing because it’s specific,” Gabrielli said. “That doesn’t mean it’s easy for less educated families, under greater economic stress, to have more conversation with their child. But at the same time, it’s a targeted, specific action, and there may be ways to promote or encourage that.”

The idea of learning through social engagement and emotional bonding chimes with other research on how infants learn language. Babies tend to learn by watching and copying the adults they are most attached to, which is why singing and cuddling are much more effective than high-tech educational toolswhen it comes to development. Later, children learn most effectively through play, for example imaginary role play with friends or adults.

Chatting also requires more complex cognitive skills than only listening, or only talking. According to the MIT researchers, having a conversation allows children to practice understanding what the other person is trying to say, and how to respond appropriately. This is very different from merely having to listen.

Roberta Golinkoff, a professor of education at the University of Delaware School of Education who was not involved in the study, said the study added to evidence that language development went far beyond filling the word gap.

“You can talk to a child until you’re blue in the face, but if you’re not engaging with the child and having a conversational duet about what the child is interested in, you’re not going to give the child the language processing skills that they need,” said Golinkoff.

Listening is a high-value, life-changing skill

Listening is a high-value, life-changing skill www.Relavate.org

This presentation was originally given to the Titus 2 Community's Talk Live Tuesday.  Titus 2 Community is a Christian Marriage support group on Facebook that can be found on their T2C page. You can tune in to T2C's Talk Live Tuesdays at 6PM PST / 9PM EST.
 
Listening well is a high-value skill God requires his people to have and listening well brings high-value life-change to your relationships.  Find out why.